你和初恋的故事是什么样的？_风闻

【来源龙腾网】

正文原创翻译：

Keisha Hester, MA Professional Writing & Rhetoric, Carnegie Mellon University (2012)

I met him when I was five. He was adorable and happy and I was just a sweet kid with a little bit of a crush. In first grade we were playing tag and he caught me behind the playground and tagged me with his lips. It was just a peck, but my goodness it was just the happiest thing. We started calling each other after school nearly every day and always doing what we could to spend time together in classes all through elementary school.

遇到他的时候我才5岁，当时，他是一个非常可爱且快乐的男孩，而我也不过是一个有点迷恋他的可爱小姑娘。一年级的时候，我们一块玩捉人游戏，他在操场后面抓住了我，并通过嘴唇标记了我，虽然只是轻轻一吻，但是天哪，这是我感到最高兴的事情了。于是，我们几乎每天放学都会给对方打电话，而且在整个小学期间，我们总是尽可能在课堂上待在一起。

We continued to be friends and all of our classmates were sure we were Cory and Topanga, that we’d inevitably get married and continue to be adorable for all of time. We officially started “dating” when we were 11, but it was always off and on, and extremely innocent. When we were finally in high school and what was between us felt like it could actually be something, like it was real and the beginning of something beautiful and permanent, I remember how everything felt like being pleasantly struck by lightning. One night at the drive in theater, we were sitting next to each other in separate camping chairs and he kept moving his hand closer and closer to mine inch by inch and when our pinkies finally bumped each other it was like I was alive for the first time, a shock spreading through my fingers and up my arm, seeping into my heart like hot mercury, heavy and strong.

我们一直维持着朋友的关系，所有的同学也都认为，我们最后会和Cory和Topanga一样（电视剧《男孩成长记》主人公Cory和Topanga最终有情人终成眷属，译者注）走近婚姻的殿堂并保持现在的可爱一面。在我们11岁的时候，我们开始了正式的约会，但这种约会总是断断续续的，而且很纯真无邪。终于，当我们上高中的时候，感觉彼此之间真的像发生了什么似的，好像，这是一件美好而永恒的事情的开始，在我印象中，一切都像被闪电击中一样令人愉快。在一个夜晚，我们在电影院里看电影，我们相互挨着坐在椅子上，当时，他的手一点点地在靠近我，并最终我们两个人的小拇指碰到了一起。当时，我第一次找到了自己活着的感觉，一阵震感从我的手指蔓延到了我的手臂，就像滚烫的水银，渗入到了我的心里，那种感觉沉重而有有力。

The trouble with falling in love so completely - and so young - is that you don’t recognize when things are changing, even when they’re going terribly wrong. He started to seem discontent as time went on, like he was bored with only having me. He cheated on me a few times. He’d break up with me because he thought he had a chance with someone prettier or more popular than me. But he always knew - everyone always knew - that he’d come back to me. Inevitable, our friends called it. I tolerated it all because I loved him, because I believed he was my happy ending, because I was holding on to the lightning spark and that adorable kid who made me feel alive, when that boy had long since shed his cocoon and blossomed into a full-blown asshole butterfly.

然而，当事情发生变化，甚至变得非常糟糕的时候，那些深陷爱河的年轻人却根本就没有意识到问题的发生。随着时间的推移，他开始变得有些不满足，好像厌倦了只与拥有我一个人的感觉。他对我有过几次不忠。他认为自己有机会找到比我更漂亮可爱的女人，于是便和我分手了。但是，他心里明白，所有人都明白，他最终会回到我的身边。正像我们朋友所说，这就是一种必然。正是因为我爱着他，坚信他会给我一个快乐完美的结局，因为我一直在珍惜那个给我带来爱情火花并让我找到活着感觉的可爱男孩，即便那个男孩早已蜕茧成蝶。

When I went off to college we had broken up for a while (and I actually dated his best friend - that also ended terribly, but that’s a story for another day). Beginning of sophomore year we started talking again. Which, of course, led to dating again. I was 19 and he was 20, and he cheated on me. Again. But this time… with a 12 year old. I was horrified, of course, but I mostly just blamed myself for not being “enough” rather than facing the truth of what he was.

当我上大学的时候，我们分手了一段时间（这段时间我和他的最好朋友也约会过，但结果也很糟糕，当然，这是另外一个故事了）。在上大二的时候，我们俩又开始联系了，然后开始继续交往。当时我19岁，他20岁，然后，他再一次背叛了我。但这次他选择的对象，是一名年仅12岁的女孩。我当时被吓到了，然而，我主要还是在责怪自己，因为我没有“准备好”去面对一个真正的他。

We had some more back and forth after that - and believe me, I’m deeply ashamed of that - but finally one night beneath the stars and under a cloud of berry wine and tequila, he begged for another chance. He pleaded. He called out, “Keisha Lynn, you know it’s always been you!”

在发生这次不忠之后，我们之间又分分合合数次——相信我，我对此表示非常愧疚。终于，在一个漫天繁星的夜晚，在一片如同浆果酒和龙舌兰酒的云彩下，他再一次祈求我原谅他。他向我恳求，并说“凯沙·林恩，你知道，我的心里一直都是你。”

Lynn is not my middle name. This bastard had known me for nearly two decades at this point and he still couldn’t remember my damn middle name. Yes, I understand this is a terrible moment to finally snap. He had been crushing my soul, my sanity, my self-worth for years, had been hurting other girls in the process, and really, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back? Yep. I’m sorry to say that it was.

呵，可是，林恩根本就不是我的中间名。这个混蛋玩意认识我已经二十年了，但仍然不记得我的中间名。是的，我终于意识到，这是一个很可怕的时刻。这么多年来，他一直在摧毁我的灵魂、我的理智和我的自我价值，在这期间，他也伤害了其他的女孩。这就是压死骆驼的最后一根稻草吗？是的，没错。

I lost it. I screamed for hours. I let out everything I’d been bottling up. Blamed him for all that he did to me. All that he did to everyone else. He cried. I told him how much I regretted the trust I had given him so very young, and that the only thing I wanted from him ever again in this life was a time machine so I could go back to 1994 and never speak to his sorry ass in the first place.

我失去了它，痛哭了好几个小时，我把藏在心里的一切都说了出来，责备他对我所做的一切，以及他对别人所做的一切。他也哭了。我告诉他，自己信任他是多么的后悔和幼稚。而我这辈子最想做的事情，就是得到一台时间机器，回到1994年，选择一开始就不和他这个可怜的混蛋说话。

That last straw moment happened in July. The following February he began a prison sentence for child pornography.

压死骆驼的最后一根稻草发生在七月份。在第二年的二月份，他因为儿童色情作品开始服刑。

The stories others have shared of their first love being their true love - those stories are beautiful and I’m so happy that you found such wonderful partnership on the first try. You are blessed! But I wanted to share my story of first love turned very toxic, because I know I’m not alone in hanging on to something for far, far too long.

在别人分享的初恋故事里，人们最终都成为了彼此的真爱——这些故事都很美妙，你们在第一次尝试里就找到了如此美好的伴侣，我对此表示很高兴。祝福你们！但是，我想分享的初恋故事很有毒，因为我明白，我并不是唯一在某件事上坚持很久的人。