英国女王探望转出ICU的首相鲍里斯 就疫情等话题进行了深入交流（原创独脚戏）_风闻

【哔哩哔哩 |  公众号 | 微博 尤子缘】

视频链接：www.bilibili.com/video/BV1jK411j7Hz

陌生的你好，我是尤子缘。

这一天，英国女王伊丽莎白二世前去探望了刚刚转出重症监护室的英国首相鲍里斯·约翰逊。

“亲爱的首相，你现在好点了吗？”

英国女王伊丽莎白二世关切地问道。

“（咳嗽声）谢谢您的问候，陛下！您能亲自来这里看我，是我至高无上的荣幸。抱歉，我无法站起来向您行礼。

关于您的问候，感谢上帝……对不起，感谢陛下，我现在感觉好多了，只是还有点发热引起的轻微疼痛。”

英国首相鲍里斯·约翰逊答道。

“荣幸是我的。作为首相，你在这场史无前例的疫情中做得不错。我希望你能早日康复，就像我的小查理一样。只是之前听说你进了重症监护室的时候，有点让人震惊”

“陛下，坦白说，我在那里度过的三天是自2012年奥运会期间我被困在空中以来最尴尬的时刻。不过请不要担心，就像报纸上说的，这只是预防性的治疗。”

“鲍里斯，我93岁了，如果你记得的话，10天后我就94岁了。那是我的年龄，不是我的智商。我知道ICU是什么。”

“（咳嗽声）对不起，陛下，我无意冒犯。我这么说只是不想让您担心，也不想让民众恐慌。

我在ICU的第一天很痛苦，但是多亏了NHS（National Health Service英国国民健康保险制度）的工作人员，他们出色的治疗救了我的命，现在我可以稍微走动一点了。我对他们感激不尽。我欠他们一条命。”

“好的吧，我预料到了。谢谢你的真诚，至少在我面前。

说到民众，关于这次疫情，我是觉得我不得不向全国发表我的第五次电视讲话了。希望这不会被视为我太凌驾于内阁之上?”

“绝对不会！陛下，幸好现代科技发达，您的演讲在ICU也能收到，尽管当时我眼睛睁不大开。听到陛下的声音，我感到很有安全感，而演讲本身也非常精彩，鼓舞人心。我觉得这是完全符合程序的。

我回到办公室的时候，我会强烈推荐诺贝尔委员会提名陛下为下一届诺贝尔和平奖得主!”

“别操心那个啦。我们的医疗体系已经不堪重负，目前的首要工作是抗击病毒，挽救更多生命。

我一个小小的演讲对于国家来说，不足挂齿。”

“不！陛下的声音从来都不是微不足道的！像我这样的人，永远都崇拜您。您在疫情期间的演讲和乔治六世国王在二战期间的演讲同样重要。”

“你多大了来着?”

“我55了，陛下，6月就56岁了。”

“你棒棒哒。时至今日，居然还有人仍然记得我父亲的名字和他所做过的事情。”

“（咳嗽声）请允许我再次自我介绍，陛下。我毕业于牛津大学贝利奥尔学院。我学的是英国文学，这使我天然地对历史很感兴趣。”

“嗯，不过这还不算历史。因为我父亲的女儿，现在还正在这里和你说着话。

顺便问一下，你对接下去如何抗击病毒有什么想法?”

“噢，对，据我所知，现在封城政策比几天前实施得更成功了。人们逐渐意识到待在家里及在户外戴口罩的重要性。关于袭击戴口罩的中国学生的报道越来越少。

作为官方正式的补救措施，已经向中国下了订单，很明显，到目前为止，中国在抗击病毒方面做得非常出色。我和我的同事将继续确保，我们也在朝着正确的方向前进。

话虽如此，我知道陛下也许会笑，但我确实认为，即使在如今这样的情况下，我也以一种独特的方式作出了一点微小的贡献，我是第一个感染新冠病毒的世界领导人。这应该可以让英国在疫情期间获得更多的全球曝光度，我为此感到自豪。当然，我指的是宣传，不是疾病曝光度……

呀，抱歉，我的意思是，第一个感染的首相，不是首脑……”

“没关系，亲爱的。看到你如此具有自我牺牲精神，我很认可你的工作。

当谈到中国的时候，你表现得比我听到的更有礼貌。我注意到，你们中的一些人把他们的帮助称为“掠夺性援助”。在这一点上，希望我下次在那里会见对方首脑的时候，我们在远东的朋友不会因为这个用词对我大发雷霆。”

“恕我直言，陛下，我与此事无关。我猜应该是工党有人在这一点上搞事情。

然而，我认为在这个具有挑战性的疫情时期，响亮发出我们自己的声音是至关重要的。这样，我们至少可以在一定程度上保持我们的国家形象。

比如，至少现在人们知道了，是英国人发明了群体免疫来对抗病毒，英国就这样成为了最有想象力的国家，而不是美国或中国。”

“我懂你意思了，鲍里斯。有一说一，我开始还以为你只是在发挥你之前在《泰晤士报》养成的职业习惯。

顺便问一下，特朗普先生最后给你打电话了吗?”

“陛下，我发誓那些关于我在《泰晤士报》的说法都是谣言!

至于您的问题，是的，有天他打过来表达了他的问候，以及他那些标准的不痛不痒的话。”

“他有没有提供什么特别援助?”

“是的，陛下，我想是的。在他打电话后不久，一些黑衣人带着他们的特效药来到了我的ICU病房。”

“你是说中情局?”

“是的，女王陛下。”

“你直接吃了那些药片吗？好像它们还在临床试验吧。”

“是的，我只想尽快回到唐宁街，所以我不得不试一试。我们自己的NHS医生也同时给了我一些血浆治疗，这让我有点困惑，到底是哪个起了作用。”

“哇，我听起来风险很大唉。你没有让马特（英国卫生大臣）先测试下这些药片吗?”

“呃，陛下，您可能知道，马特他自己的检测结果呈阳性，他现在在家办公。我觉得麻烦他不太好。

我想我们和乔治·华盛顿的冲突已经过去很久了吧？我相信，我们目前是美国非常重要的盟友。主要我不想真的变成吸血鬼，所以我还是吃了他们的药，向特朗普证明一下我很酷。”

“好的吧。的确，感觉美国人有时确实太忙了，没有空去记住历史。希望那里没有人记得我们曾经烧掉过白宫，噢，实际上是白宫之前的那座房子。”

“请不要担心，陛下。几年前我在纽约的时候，没人提起过这件事。他们只是一直说我长得像唐纳德·特朗普，这让我很尴尬。

我想大多数人已经注意到，我们的历史教科书一直在尊重华盛顿是美国国父这一事实。”

“不，你别信这个。路易十六才是美国国父。如果没有法国人帮忙，美国人是不可能打败我们的。记得我很小的时候，我的爷爷经常在摇篮曲里跟我讲这个故事。”

“当然，您说得很对，陛下。”

“我倒觉得很有趣，人们在谈论你们两个的共同点。”

“（咳嗽声）说实话，我不希望别人把我当成特朗普的翻版。不幸的是，我们的发型很相似，但一头金发不是我的错。除此之外，我看不出我和他有什么相似之处。

我可能会认为，我更随性，不仅仅体现在讲话中。你可能还记得，当其他人都在参加毫无意义的会议的时候，我却在冒险跳伞为伦敦加油，尽管当时发生了一点小事故。”

“你有个小女朋友，对吧？如果我没记错的话，她比你小24岁对吗，鲍里斯?”

“是的，陛下。如果可以的话，我能问一下陛下是从哪儿听来的吗?”

 “虽然我大部分时间都待在宫里，但军情六处（英国情报机构）确实会在适当的时候，随机向我汇报情况。此外，这些特工告诉我，特朗普也比他妻子年长24岁。这也是某种巧合吗?”

“原谅我，陛下。我不知道那件事。我认为这确实是个巧合。”

“好的吧。其实也不完全一样。他们结婚了，而据我所知，凯莉只是你的女朋友。

刚刚你说，你的生日是六月份。那你是双子座咯?”

“是的，我是双子，靠近巨蟹，陛下。不过有一说一，我不认为自己是一个花花公子，虽然人们都认为双子是。事实上，我正在努力让我的女朋友升级为我的未婚妻。但这不仅取决于我。”

“这都是你的私事，其他人无权干涉。我只是希望你能尽快安顿下来，把更多的精力放在工作上。

说到这，我们聊回公事。脱欧怎么样了？还在弄吗？”

“当然，陛下。（咳嗽声）虽然我的身体还没完全康复，但正如我们的国歌《耶路撒冷》所唱的那样，我心中的斗争永不停歇。

请放心，我们将如期实现脱欧独立。我已经要求大臣们把这件事作为他们的首要工作。如果完不成，我向陛下发誓，到时我将引咎辞职。”

“听起来很有希望的样子。那我们自己的独立问题呢?”

“我想你说的是苏格兰人吧，陛下？请不要担忧。上次的投票结果是站在英格兰这边的。更不用说，现代的威廉·华莱士正沉迷于成为一个网红或拍抖音。根本不存在分裂的风险。”

“感谢你所做的一切，鲍里斯。我想今天就到这里吧，我觉得我们的谈话很有建设性。我还想多待一会儿，但我的司机正在等我。

如果你能在你的乡间别墅好好修养一阵，我将不胜感激。不要太担心工作。多米尼克（英国外交大臣，目前正代理首相职责）看上去是个好小伙子，能暂时帮你代理职务，我们一家人都挺喜欢他的。

每每看到年轻而强健的人走上领导岗位，总是令人高兴的。

我不得不感慨，我的时代过去了，我们的时代都过去了。不过，正如我对全国人民所说的，好日子还会回归。

再见啦（ICU），亲爱的。”

“再……见……陛……下……（咳嗽声）”

---英文版---English Version---

The Queen Elizabeth II: Darling, are you alright now?

Boris Johnson: (Coughing) Thanks for asking, your Majesty! It’s such a great honour to have you here to visit me in person. Apologies, I cannot stand up to salute physically.

In regard to your query, thank god…sorry, thank your Majesty, I am feeling much better now, just suffering some subtle pains associated with fever.

Q: The honour is mine. You did a good job as the Prime Minister during this unprecedented epidemic. I hope you will recover soon, like my little Charlie. It was just a little shocking to hear that you were actually admitted to ICU in the first place.

B: Your Majesty, frankly speaking, the 3 days I spent there was the most embarrassing moment since I was stuck in the air during the Olympic Games in 2012. But please do not worry, as the papers said, it was just precautionary.

Q: Boris, I am 93, turning 94 in 10 days if you may recall. That’s my age, not my IQ. I know what an ICU is.

B: (Coughing) Sorry, your Majesty, I meant no offence. As far as I am concerned, I just did not wish to make you worry or the public panic.

My first day at ICU was exhausting but thanks to our NHS staff who did a great job in saving my life, I can walk a bit now. I can’t thank them enough. I owe them my life.

Q: Fair enough, I anticipated that. Thanks for your integrity, at least in front of me.

Speaking of the public, I did feel I have to deliver my fifth televised address to the whole nation regarding the epidemic. Hope that will not be seen as me overriding the cabinet too far?

B: Absolutely not! Your Majesty, thanks to the advance of modern technology, your speech was well received even at ICU, although I could hardly open my eyes. It was so reassuring to hear your Majesty’s voice and the speech itself was more than splendid and encouraging. It was perfectly legitimate, I would say.

When I am back in the office, I would strongly recommend the Nobel Committee to nominate your Majesty for the next Nobel peace prize!

Q: Don’t worry about that. The priority for the time being is to fight the virus and save more lives, given that our NHS is being overwhelmed.

A tiny speech is the least thing I can do for the country.

B: No! Your Majesty’s voice is never trivial! People, like me, adore you for eternity. Your speech is as important during the epidemic as King George VI, his Majesty’s during the World War II.

Q: How old are you，again?

B: I’m 55, your Grace, turning 56 in June.

Q: That’s quite impressive. Nowadays, there are people who can still recall my Father’s name and what he did.

B: (Coughing) Please allow me to kindly introduce myself again, your Majesty. I graduated from Balliol College at Oxford University. And I was studying English Literature there, which makes me quite interested in history naturally.

Q: Well, it’s not history yet. As my father’s daughter, is still here talking to you now.

By the way, what’s in your mind as to the steps to fight the virus going forward?

B: Oh, yeah, as far as I know, the lockdown is being implemented more successfully than days ago. People gradually become more aware of the importance of staying at home and wearing face masks outdoor. There were fewer reports on attacks regarding Chinese students wearing masks.

As an official remedial step, orders have been made to China, which obviously has been doing an incredible job so far in terms of fighting the virus. My colleagues and I will continue to make sure that we are going in the right direction too.

Having said that, I know your Majesty may laugh, but I do think, even under today’s circumstances, I contributed slightly in an unique way too, by being the first world leader to contract the coronavirus. Presumably, that should give the United Kingdom a bit more global exposure in the epidemic, which I am proud of. Of course, I mean the propaganda, not the disease…

Oh, apologies, I mean, the first PM to contract the virus, not the first leader…

Q: That’s alright, darling. I do appreciate your job in light of your spirit of self-sacrifice.

When talking about China, you sound more courteous than what I’ve heard. I noted some of you call their help as ‘predatory aid’. Speaking of which, I hope our friends in the far east would not be furious at me about this term when I next meet my counterpart there.

B: With all due respect, your Majesty, I was not involved in any of this. My best guess would be that someone from the Labour Party is manipulating this argument.

Nevertheless, I think it is vital to keep our own voice apparent in this challenging pandemic period. In this way, we could at least maintain our national image to some extent.

For example, at least now people know that it’s the Britons who invented herd immunity to fight the virus, making us the nation with the best imagination, not the US or China.

Q: I see your point here, Boris. I have to admit I thought you were just following your professional habits developed at The Times.

By the way, just for curiosity, did Mr Trump call you eventually?

B: Your Majesty, I swear things about me at The Times were absolute rumours!

As regarding your query, yes, he delivered his greetings along with his stereotypical waffling the other day.

Q: Did he deliver any particular aid?

B: Yes, your Majesty, I guess so. Shortly following his call, some men in black appeared at my ICU with their specific medicine.

Q: You mean the CIA？

B: Yes, your Grace.

Q: Did you take the pills straight away? I understand they are still on trial.

B: Yeah… All I desire was to get back to the Downing Street as soon as possible so I had to give it a try. Our NHS medics gave me some plasma simultaneously too, which made it a bit confusing as to which actually cured my body.

Q: Oh, it sounds to me like having a long shot. Did you not get Matt to test the pills in the first instance?

B: Well, your Majesty, as you may be aware, Matt himself had tested positive and is working from home now. It could be too troublesome to bother him.

I assume our conflicts with George Washington was way back? I trust we are a very important ally of the Americans for the time being. Moreover, I’d rather not go too far in becoming a vampire so I took the pills anyway to show Trump I was cool.

Q: Fair enough. Indeed, the Americans do sometimes appear to be too busy to memorise history. Hope no one there recalls we once burned the White House, oh, actually the House before White House.

B: Please don’t worry, your Majesty. No one had ever mentioned this during my time in New York years ago. They just kept saying I look like Donald Trump, which did embarrass me a lot.

I assume most people have noted that our history books have been respecting the fact that Washington was the Father of the United States.

Q: No, you don’t believe that. It’s Louis XVI, who was the Father of the United States. The Americans would never have defeated us without the French help. My grandfather often talked me through this in a lullaby when I was a teenage girl.

B: Sure, you are absolutely right, your Grace.

Q: I found it quite funny though, people chattering about things that you two have in common.

B: (Coughing) To be honest, I’d rather not be seen as a Trump’s copy. Unfortunately, we do have similar hairstyle but having blond hair is not my fault. Apart from this, I don’t see any similarities between myself and him.

I would probably perceive myself as having a freer style, not just in the sense of giving speech. As you may recall, I did risk myself parachuting to cheer London while others were attending void meetings, regardless of the little accident.

Q: You have a little girlfriend, right? If I remember correctly, she’s 24 years younger than you, Boris?

B: Yes, your Majesty. If I may, can I ask where did your Majesty get that from?

Q: Well, although I stay at the Palace most of the time, the MI6 does brief me on a random basis, where appropriate. Furthermore, the agents told me Mr Trump is also 24 years elder than his wife. Is this some kind of coincidence as well?

B: Forgive me, your Grace. I was not aware of that. I would say it is indeed a coincidence.

Q: It’s alright. It’s actually not quite the same anyway. They are married, whereas Carrie is your girlfriend as far as I know.

I understand your birthday is in June. You are a Gemini then?

B: Yes, I am a late Gemini, your Majesty. But I have to say I don’t see myself as a playboy, which people may perceive a Gemini to be. Actually, I am making efforts in order for the pursuit of upgrading my girlfriend to my fiancée. But it’s not only up to me.

Q: It’s all your personal matters and no one else should have a say about it. I just wish you will get settled down very soon and be able to focus more on your occupation.

Speaking of which, let us get back to your work in progress. What about Brexit? Is it still ongoing?

B: Of course, your Majesty. (Coughing) Although my body is not in its best state, but as our national anthem ‘Jerusalem’ sings, I will not cease from mental fight.

Please be assured our independence from the European Union will be achieved punctually as promised. I have requested my secretaries to make it happen as their first priority. Otherwise, your Majesty have my words, I will resign on principle.

Q: That sounds promising. What about our own independence issue?

B: I assume you are talking about the Scots, your Majesty? Please do not be concerned. The last vote turned out to be in favour of England. Not to mention that, the modern William Wallace is busy with enjoying being an influencer or recording Tik Tok. There are no risks of split at all.

Q: Thanks, Boris, for everything. I think that’s all for today, I found our chat very constructive. I wish I could stay longer but my chauffeur is waiting for me.

I should be grateful if you would have a good rest at your mansion in the country. Do not worry too much about work. Dominic seems to be a good lad to babysit for you and my family does like him.

It’s always glad to see young and robust people taking over.

I have to realise that I have had my time and we all have had our time. But, as I said to the nation in my speech, better days will return.

I see you (ICU) around, darling.

B: See…you…Your Grace…(Coughing)

我是尤子缘，感谢观看。